Greetings True Readers,
Many of you have been reading my acclaimed advice column Let Letty Help for years in True Romance magazine. I also write The D Files, which also appears in true Romance. The D Files are essays about the life and times of an advice columnist and sexpert. By the telling of my interactions with, and within, my circle of friends and family relationship lessons can be gathered.
For those of you who don’t know my work or me, please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Letty Livingston and besides being a stylish and sophisticated girl-about-town, I am a relationship counselor, advice and sex columnist, and an online (and offline) dating coach. I have been dishing the dirt on sex, love and relationships for the better part of a decade; coming to the conclusion that no matter one’s age, gender, geographic, socioeconomic or cultural situation, we all want the same thing; to find and keep the special someone that appreciates us for who we truly are.
You can send your questions in to me at help@letlettyhelp.com. All material will be considered for publication and all names are kept in the strictest (and I mean STRICTEST) of confidence.
Here is what therapists have said:
How refreshing to read this edgy alternative to the traditional advice column! It’s great! Well done! As a family therapist, I appreciate the levelheaded and straightforward approach you utilize with your readers. I am truly impressed by the sincerity and quality in your responses to your reader’s complex predicaments. Some of their situations have come up identically in my practice. Maybe I’ll start prescribing your column to my clients.
Nora Fitzgerald, Head of Family Therapy, Delaware County Mental Health Dept., PA
Just wanted to compliment you — Your column is excellent… and I have a background in mental health field, former group therapist, art therapist. Great work! …you did what the Dear Abby people did; give good advice and good reading at same time, but better! All in tight prose. Nice, nice work.
Carol Denker, Managing Editor, Spirit News, Philadelphia, PA
I offer the best advice I can to my readers who ask for it. Sometimes I have to ask them some questions in order to figure out what is really going on. A lot of my work is done reading in-between the lines. But when I need more, I go and get it.
The following is an example of this. A True Romance reader sent me an email. Here is her story:
We will call her Emily… She works nights, got off early and went home expecting her live-in-lover to be there waiting for her. To her surprise he was nowhere to be found. She went in to town looking for him. She found him, and “her” at 3:30 in the morning. Read on to see what happened~
Dear Letty,
I need your help!
I have been with this guy for 8 yrs. I work nights he works days. I got off work early one night. He wasn’t home, so I went looking for him. I found him in the parking lot of Newark Eagles coming back from another bar. He swears nothing was going on. It is 3:30 in the morning he is out with another woman. We live together and I wear his ring. So, I put him out. I feel like he should have been home waiting on me. Was I wrong to jump so fast?
Emily
Hi Emily,
I know you want me to give you the best advice possible. So, answer a few questions for me and then I can put everything together and reply with my advice for you. Your answers will help me learn who you are (and who he is) and what your needs are. Be open to this experience and we can get results.
Here we go:
How old are you and how old is he? 52 49
Have either of you been married before. yes
How many times? 1
How long since your divorce did you two get together? years
Do you have any children?
Together? no
With other people? I have one son 34 he has one son 13
Has he ever cheated on you in the past? no
Have you ever cheated on him?
Do either of you have broken relationships because of cheating? yes
Have you been cheated on in the past? yes
How bad did it hurt? not as bad as this
Do you love him? yes
Does he do things to prove he loves you, not just say it? yes
Do either of you have addiction issues?
Which one? he does
With what? Alcohol? Drugs? Prescriptions? he drinks too much
Are either of you in active recovery? no
Are you guys facing financial troubles? no
Do you own your own home? I do
Is the mortgage in your name or his? mine
Do you trust him? not now
Men in general? no
Did your father cheat on your mother? yes
Do you have girlfriends that you regularly socialize with? no
Does he have a group of guy friends that he regularly socializes with? yes
Is alcohol involved with all of you socializing with friends?
Same question for him: yes
Answer me as honestly as possible and I will do my best for you.
xo
LL
Hello again Emily,
Thanks for answering that battery of questions. It told me that you have issues with trust. I’ve also learned, my dear, that you need to get yourself a group of girlfriends. Women need other women in their lives. In fact, you need to get a life outside of your relationship with this guy.
Neither of us knows if anything was going on with that other woman at 3:30 in the morning. A man who is 49 and drinks all the time may have trouble getting an erection that late after a long night of drinking. So, maybe there was nothing going on… sexually, that is.
You put him out because you found him alone with a woman at 3:30 in the morning. That I understand. He is attached and lives with you, so he really has no business out at that hour with or without another person. Someone who is out that late drinking REALLY has a drinking problem.
Do you want to deal with a drunk? It seems like you have for a long time. What if he went to a program like AA? Would you take him back if he stopped drinking? I think that the drunkenness is a half of the problem.
Who needs a guy who is a drunk and is untrustworthy? Granted, you really need to get a life. Maybe if you had one you wouldn’t accept his behavior. He might not act that way if he knew you had a life outside of work and him. I tell people all the time that we show our mates how we want to be treated by showing them what we will and will not stand for.
It is clear that you have him out; now the question is do you allow him back in your life or tell him to come and get his stuff? That is up to you.
Don’t you deserve to have a sober person in your life? One who will not cheat or give you reason to believe he is cheating. A man who is with you should know that you have trust issues and that it is a very sensitive subject. And if he still crosses that line or makes it seem as though he does, he really is not attentive to what your needs are.
We just met and I know that you have issue with trust. This guy has had 8 years to figure it out. If he hasn’t, that may be a clue that he just doesn’t care enough.
Your mother was cheated on. She stayed with your father. You’ve chosen men who will cheat on you. The likelihood that this guy is a cheater is very good since you have a propensity to choose men who will cheat on you.
Now that you are aware of this, you have the power to change it. Here it is, the moment to choose. Going about this solely with my help is not necessary. Finding a licensed therapist or a counselor is as simple as a click of a mouse. You can look online in your area for a counselor or you can go to a site that I am affiliated with. I work with many relationship counselors at www.FixMyLove.com. Join up, it is free. And then enter your zip code and look for an expert who you can talk to. It’ll help.
©2009Letty Livingston, Letty Livingston’s suggestions are intended as inspiring and engaging advice and not an alternative for therapeutic intervention, should it be needed.
All my best!
LL
