I Love You and I Hate You Too!
Why do Love-Hate Relationships Last? Or Do They?
Love and hate are as opposite as two emotions can be, yet couples often can relate to both extremes when describing their romantic relationship. How can this be? How can you feel extreme adoration for a person then loathe them minutes later?
As it turns out, love and hate may not be such different emotions after all.
A Fine Line Between Love and Hate
Some of the nervous circuits in your brain that are responsible for producing feelings of hatred are actually the same ones used to produce the feeling of romantic love, according to a study published in the journal PloS ONE.
And when you think about it, love and hate do share some similarities. Both are extreme emotions, and both can lead you to do irrational, heroic or even evil things, pointed out Professor Semir Zeki of University College London, who led the study, in The Independent.
“Hate is often considered to be an evil passion that should, in a better world, be tamed, controlled and eradicated. Yet to the biologist, hate is a passion that is of equal interest to love,” Professor Zeki told The Independent.
“Like love, it is often seemingly irrational and can lead individuals to heroic and evil deeds. How can two opposite sentiments lead to the same behavior?”
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The study found that parts of your brain called the putamen and the insula are both involved in feelings of contempt and disgust, along with being activated by romantic love.
Viewing Your Relationship as All Good or All Bad …
Interestingly, the up-and-down rollercoaster ride experienced by those in a love-hate relationship may be quite normal. On the other hand, viewing your relationship as all good or all bad could be a sign that you have low self-esteem, according to Yale researchers.
“Those low in self-esteem are chronically concerned about whether or not their close relationship partners will or will not accept them,” Margaret Clark, a professor in the University’s department of psychology and senior faculty author of the study, told ScienceBlog.com. “In good times, those low in self-esteem tend to idealize partners, rendering those partners safe for approach and likely to reflect positively upon them. At the first sign of a partner not being perfect, however, they switch to focusing on all possible negatives about the partner so as to justify withdrawing from that partner and not risking vulnerability.”
So in all actuality, it could be completely normal, and healthy, to have a bit of love-hate emotions in your relationship.
Your Relationship is Constantly Changing
Emotions fluctuate on a daily, hourly or, at times, even more frequent basis. So it’s not surprising that your attitudes and perceptions of your partner fluctuate as well.
As Aaron Ben-Zeév, President and Professor of Philosophy at the University of Haifa, wrote in an article in Psychology Today:
“People describe their relationship as a love hate relationship when the circumstances are such that the focus of attention changes under different conditions; hence the change in the emotional attitudes.
When the lover focuses his attention on his partner’s wisdom, he loves her dearly. When he thinks about the humiliation she brings upon him, he hates her guts. Thus people can say: “I hate you, Then I love you…Then I hate you, Then I love you more” (Celine Dion); “Sometimes I love you, sometimes I hate you. But when I hate you, it’s because I love you” (Nat King Cole).
Such cases can be explained in light of the fact that emotional experiences are dynamic and different external and personal circumstances may often change our emotional attitude toward the same person.”
For those of you wondering whether the more turbulent times serve any useful purpose in a relationship, there’s some good news too. According to Ben-Zeév, feelings of hatred can actually increase communication and feelings of closeness; but they can also result in disastrous outcomes committed in the “name of love.” He writes:
“Love can become a fertile ground for the emergence of hate. When the intensity and intimacy of love turns sour, hate may be generated.
In these circumstances, hate serves as a channel of communication when other paths are blocked, and it functions to preserve the powerful closeness of the relationship, in which both connection and separation are impossible.
Consider the following testimony of a man convicted of killing his wife (cited in the book, In the Name of Love): “You don’t always kill a woman or feel jealousy about a woman or shout at a woman because you hate her. No. Because you love her, that’s love.” No doubt, love can be extremely dangerous, and people have committed the most horrific crimes in the name of love (and religion).”
How to Harness Intense Emotions for a Stronger Relationship
If you’re having serious marital problems, seek help right away. The average couple waits six years before seeking marital counseling, which means they’re living unhappily for far too long.
You should also become aware of the certainty vs. uncertainty principle, which is a hidden cause of many divorces and may also help explain your emotional variances of love and hate.
When we have great “certainty” there is an urge for most of us to seek “uncertainty.” In the case of marriage, your “certainty” quotient is filled, your relationship steady and secure.
Yet, for many of us this potentially good feeling turns into boredom and staleness, and invokes a sense of not being fully alive or excited any longer. This then drives us to seek the other end of the spectrum, or look for “uncertainty.”
When you realize the dynamics of certainty vs. uncertainty—and the fact that we often seek out that which we do not have—you can take steps to remedy the situation before you engage in an activity that harms your marriage.
