Why do Love-Hate Relationships Last? Or Do They?

by www.sixwise.com

Love and hate are as opposite as two emotions can be, yet couples often can relate to both extremes when describing their romantic relationship. How can this be? How can you feel extreme adoration for a person then loathe them minutes later?

As it turns out, love and hate may not be such different emotions after all.

A Fine Line Between Love and Hate

Some of the nervous circuits in your brain that are responsible for producing feelings of hatred are actually the same ones used to produce the feeling of romantic love, according to a study published in the journal PloS ONE.

And when you think about it, love and hate do share some similarities. Both are extreme emotions, and both can lead you to do irrational, heroic or even evil things, pointed out Professor Semir Zeki of University College London, who led the study, in The Independent.

“Hate is often considered to be an evil passion that should, in a better world, be tamed, controlled and eradicated. Yet to the biologist, hate is a passion that is of equal interest to love,” Professor Zeki told The Independent.

“Like love, it is often seemingly irrational and can lead individuals to heroic and evil deeds. How can two opposite sentiments lead to the same behavior?”

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The study found that parts of your brain called the putamen and the insula are both involved in feelings of contempt and disgust, along with being activated by romantic love.

Viewing Your Relationship as All Good or All Bad …

Interestingly, the up-and-down rollercoaster ride experienced by those in a love-hate relationship may be quite normal. On the other hand, viewing your relationship as all good or all bad could be a sign that you have low self-esteem, according to Yale researchers.

“Those low in self-esteem are chronically concerned about whether or not their close relationship partners will or will not accept them,” Margaret Clark, a professor in the University’s department of psychology and senior faculty author of the study, told ScienceBlog.com. “In good times, those low in self-esteem tend to idealize partners, rendering those partners safe for approach and likely to reflect positively upon them. At the first sign of a partner not being perfect, however, they switch to focusing on all possible negatives about the partner so as to justify withdrawing from that partner and not risking vulnerability.”

So in all actuality, it could be completely normal, and healthy, to have a bit of love-hate emotions in your relationship.

Your Relationship is Constantly Changing

Emotions fluctuate on a daily, hourly or, at times, even more frequent basis. So it’s not surprising that your attitudes and perceptions of your partner fluctuate as well.

As Aaron Ben-Zeév, President and Professor of Philosophy at the University of Haifa, wrote in an article in Psychology Today:

“People describe their relationship as a love hate relationship when the circumstances are such that the focus of attention changes under different conditions; hence the change in the emotional attitudes.

When the lover focuses his attention on his partner’s wisdom, he loves her dearly. When he thinks about the humiliation she brings upon him, he hates her guts. Thus people can say: “I hate you, Then I love you…Then I hate you, Then I love you more” (Celine Dion); “Sometimes I love you, sometimes I hate you. But when I hate you, it’s because I love you” (Nat King Cole).

Such cases can be explained in light of the fact that emotional experiences are dynamic and different external and personal circumstances may often change our emotional attitude toward the same person.”

For those of you wondering whether the more turbulent times serve any useful purpose in a relationship, there’s some good news too. According to Ben-Zeév, feelings of hatred can actually increase communication and feelings of closeness; but they can also result in disastrous outcomes committed in the “name of love.” He writes:

“Love can become a fertile ground for the emergence of hate. When the intensity and intimacy of love turns sour, hate may be generated.

In these circumstances, hate serves as a channel of communication when other paths are blocked, and it functions to preserve the powerful closeness of the relationship, in which both connection and separation are impossible.

Consider the following testimony of a man convicted of killing his wife (cited in the book, In the Name of Love): “You don’t always kill a woman or feel jealousy about a woman or shout at a woman because you hate her. No. Because you love her, that’s love.” No doubt, love can be extremely dangerous, and people have committed the most horrific crimes in the name of love (and religion).”

How to Harness Intense Emotions for a Stronger Relationship

If you’re having serious marital problems, seek help right away. The average couple waits six years before seeking marital counseling, which means they’re living unhappily for far too long.

You should also become aware of the certainty vs. uncertainty principle, which is a hidden cause of many divorces and may also help explain your emotional variances of love and hate.

When we have great “certainty” there is an urge for most of us to seek “uncertainty.” In the case of marriage, your “certainty” quotient is filled, your relationship steady and secure.

Yet, for many of us this potentially good feeling turns into boredom and staleness, and invokes a sense of not being fully alive or excited any longer. This then drives us to seek the other end of the spectrum, or look for “uncertainty.”

When you realize the dynamics of certainty vs. uncertainty—and the fact that we often seek out that which we do not have—you can take steps to remedy the situation before you engage in an activity that harms your marriage.

My husband and I have different work hours, and sometimes I’m leaving just as he’s coming home. We keep our love alive by leaving playful notes for each other on days when we won’t get to spend time together. He’ll leave me a smiley-faced post-it on the bathroom mirror telling me I’m beautiful, or I’ll hide a note in his brown-bag lunch saying “Have a great day!” with a cutout of his favorite comic strip.

—Leslie Vaughn, Bethesda, MD

When I started dating Roy, I learned how passionate he was about his favorite band, an indie rock group that I didn’t know much about. For his birthday, I bought us tickets to one of their concerts as a gift. In addition to this surprise, I got a copy of their latest album for myself, and for the weeks leading up to the show, I played it over and over, learning all of the songs. Not only was he thrilled with the tickets, but when I started singing and dancing along with the tunes, he was really impressed that I had taken the time to get to know his music. And now, I’m a pretty big fan of the band, too.

—Gina Fenton, Rocky Mount, NC

My husband is retired and he’s ten years my senior. He’s very much into watching TV, whereas I can take it or leave it. I used to resent his interest in TV, especially documentaries, but I found that by watching some of them with him, I learned new things. I also learned how much I love spending time with him, especially when he suggests that I choose a good movie that we can both watch. Yes, he’s retired and home all the time, but now I feel that by taking an interest in some of his interests, quality television has actually brought about quality time with each other.

—Judith M. Vance, Olympia, WA

Steve, my fiance, is an amazing chef. I, however, am completely lacking in culinary skills, so every couple weeks or so, we make a new recipe together. I love seeing him in teacher mode, and he is always very complimentary and encouraging of me as a student. It’s our special time together, and needless to say, we’ve made some fabulous meals.

—Dara Tabach, Evanston, IL

I’m really into rock climbing, but my boyfriend, Jason, is afraid of heights. I thought our relationship was doomed. However, after seeing my passion for the sport, he started taking climbing lessons and worked on getting over his fear. Now, he is just as into climbing as I am, if not more, and we enjoy challenging ourselves on new courses together.

—Amanda Harris, Ithaca, NY

Going back a few years, when my husband found excitement in flea markets and garage sales, I remember thinking we could be doing other things together on weekends. He was hooked, so instead of fighting him, I decided to join him on his bargain hunts. It turned out to be great fun, and we really did find some good bargains along the way.

We’ve slowed down in recent years, but with good weather coming up, maybe we’ll give it one last hurrah this year. And what’s next on the agenda?

Perhaps our own garage sale. How else can we get rid of the many things we accumulated on our bargain-hunting trips? This should be a great joint effort, especially in having fun together, and that’s what really counts…being together.

—Elinor Filice, Niagara Falls, NY

My husband and I have found that privately celebrating all the holidays and special days is a great way to stay connected. A few days before July 4^th, we may have a private picnic at a park 20 miles away just to enjoy being together, or we may exchange some small, meaningful gifts over a dinner just to say “you’re special, and this is just for us.” We’ve celebrated the beginning of summer by playing basketball together. To cool down afterward, we take a long walk holding hands while we talk about our future hopes and dreams and where we’re going in life. We’ve explored flea markets and toured house and hardware shows on Labor Day weekends just to share the joy of finding that special item or collectible. While these little planned get-togethers may not seem all that important or romantic to someone else, we’ve found that these times that we make a point of being together make us feel very important to each other, bringing us closer together—and that’s a great way to stay connected!

—Lorrie, Belle Center, OH

When our children were young, my hubby and I—like most young parents—found that “couple time” was scarce. Between both of us working, school, and the kids’ activities, the hectic schedule left precious few hours for us. We missed just being a couple.

When our kids were in first and second grade, we were very fortunate to find another couple that also had kids the approximate ages of ours. They all got along and we had similar styles of parenting, so we decided to “swap” kids every other month, enabling each couple to have a romantic weekend alone six times a year. For instance, if my hubby and I took both their kids for a weekend in January, then in February they’d take both our kids for an entire weekend.

My husband traveled quite a bit with his job, and money was a factor so we didn’t always plan a trip. But whether we flew somewhere, went camping, had a romantic date night or just puttered in the yard and had movie night at home, we cherished our special days and nights with each other. Those weekends reminded us that we were lovers first, and we’d be a couple long after the children were grown.

We’ve now been married 26 years and our kids have left the nest, resulting in all the romantic weekends we want. But a nice side effect of those kid-swapping weekends is that we still enjoy a friendship with that couple, who will soon celebrate their 25th anniversary. Thank goodness we kept our marriages strong by giving each other the gift of time.

—Carol Burnside, Canton, GA

(originally published in True Romance, April 2006)

A few years ago, my husband and I found ourselves drifting apart. While we started leaving notes for one another in an attempt to communicate, I knew something had to change. Now we set aside one night a week for “Tea and Talk.” I brew a pot of tea and light a candle. We sit on the couch with only the light from the candle, hold hands, sip our tea or glass of wine, and talk for an hour or so. It’s amazing how much we’ve reconnected, and after 36 years of marriage we have fallen in love all over again.

—Carlene Rae Dater, Santee, CA