If a house is never dusted, at some point it will be filthy. This accumulation of filth will come along so slowly, that once it’s in place, it will be most hard to detect when it arrived. It’s probably best to keep on cleaning to avoid such mishaps. I guess relationships work the same way, no? It all requires work really. The whole thing. But, this is the type of work that will pay off if one is willing to take the time to do so.  

If you haven’t spoken to a loved one for some time due to the normal business of life, that’s alright, but it’s not alright to ignore that once you realize it. Schedule time in, it’s that easy.

What about the — ah, we hardly have anything in common anymore — problem. At such points one must jump into their handy time machine and remember why the two of you are friends in the first place. And as for family, remember the good, and if there isn’t any, imagine the future good, it’s never too late really, until it is, but let’s not take the morbid route.

A few things that can be done to patch things up are: For one, take interest in what ever interests the enemy, I mean, loved one. At times an interest is all it takes. If mom is an avid church/temple/whatever goer, gulp, it may not kill you to make a surprise appearance.

  If sister likes chocolate macadamia cookies, get to baking, and crash her place with a smile with cookies in hand as a peace offering.

If an old friend has moved across the bloody country, (How dare she/he) send a hand written card, hand written says  a lot in these days of technology. I am quite annoyed that none of my friends ever write me any hand written letters.

I hate to quote the same movie in one week, who are we trying to kid, I don’t mind at all. “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”-Moulin Rouge. When you think about it, everything else should come last when it comes to people that matter.

An Aunt’s Love

My aunt has had a great impact on my life. When I was a small child, we lived close to her. She worked hard even then. Her husband was an alcoholic who spent his money only on things he wanted, and to get drunk. All the money that my aunt made was used to care for their four children. That didn’t stop her from spending her time with them, or her nieces and nephews. I’m sure I’m not the only one in my family that has fond memories of spending time with her.

We moved away when I was eight years old and I didn’t see her for over twenty years. When one of my uncles became ill, we decided that we should get together. I found out that she’s still the same wonderful woman that I remembered.

Several years ago I got divorced and I decided to move closer to my aunt. My son and I spent a great deal of time with her. He got the chance to know the wonderful aunt that I had known. He came to love her as I had so long ago. He still talks about all the things she told him and about the times they shared. Now that we no longer live nearby, she misses us and wants us to visit.

In her I found the friend that I guess I needed for a long time. When something was upsetting me, she would hold and comfort me. Because of her I am happy. My aunt taught me that I had to let go of the past.

Thank you for teaching me to be happy and for being there for me. I love you!

—Lisa Johnson, Kentucky

For those of you who don’t know my work or me, please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Letty Livingston and besides being a stylish and sophisticated girl-about-town, I am a relationship counselor, advice and sex columnist, and an online (and offline) dating coach. I have been dishing the dirt on sex, love and relationships for the better part of a decade; coming to the conclusion that no matter one’s age, gender, geographic, socioeconomic or cultural situation, we all want the same thing; to find and keep the special someone that appreciates us for who we truly are.

You can send your questions in to me at help@letlettyhelp.com. All material will be considered for publication and all names are kept in the strictest (and I mean STRICTEST) of confidence.

Here is what therapists have said:

How refreshing to read this edgy alternative to the traditional advice column! It’s great! Well done! As a family therapist, I appreciate the levelheaded and straightforward approach you utilize with your readers. I am truly impressed by the sincerity and quality in your responses to your reader’s complex predicaments. Some of their situations have come up identically in my practice. Maybe I’ll start prescribing your column to my clients.
Nora Fitzgerald, Head of Family Therapy, Delaware County Mental Health Dept., PA

Just wanted to compliment you — Your column is excellent… and I have a background in mental health field, former group therapist, art therapist. Great work! …you did what the Dear Abby people did; give good advice and good reading at same time, but better! All in tight prose. Nice, nice work.
Carol Denker, Managing Editor, Spirit News, Philadelphia, PA

I offer the best advice I can to my readers who ask for it. Sometimes I have to ask them some questions in order to figure out what is really going on. A lot of my work is done reading in-between the lines. But when I need more, I go and get it.

The following is an example of this. A True Romance reader sent me an email. Here is her story:
We will call her Emily… She works nights, got off early and went home expecting her live-in-lover to be there waiting for her. To her surprise he was nowhere to be found. She went in to town looking for him. She found him, and “her” at 3:30 in the morning. Read on to see what happened~

Dear Letty,
I need your help!
I have been with this guy for 8 yrs. I work nights he works days. I got off work early one night. He wasn’t home, so I went looking for him. I found him in the parking lot of Newark Eagles coming back from another bar. He swears nothing was going on. It is 3:30 in the morning he is out with another woman. We live together and I wear his ring. So, I put him out. I feel like he should have been home waiting on me. Was I wrong to jump so fast?
Emily

Hi Emily,
I know you want me to give you the best advice possible. So, answer a few questions for me and then I can put everything together and reply with my advice for you. Your answers will help me learn who you are (and who he is) and what your needs are. Be open to this experience and we can get results.

Here we go:

How old are you and how old is he? 52 49

Have either of you been married before. yes
How many times? 1
How long since your divorce did you two get together? years

Do you have any children?
Together? no
With other people? I have one son 34 he has one son 13

Has he ever cheated on you in the past? no
Have you ever cheated on him?
Do either of you have broken relationships because of cheating? yes

Have you been cheated on in the past? yes
How bad did it hurt? not as bad as this

Do you love him? yes
Does he do things to prove he loves you, not just say it? yes

Do either of you have addiction issues?
Which one? he does
With what? Alcohol? Drugs? Prescriptions? he drinks too much
Are either of you in active recovery? no

Are you guys facing financial troubles? no
Do you own your own home? I do

Is the mortgage in your name or his? mine

Do you trust him? not now
Men in general? no
Did your father cheat on your mother? yes

Do you have girlfriends that you regularly socialize with? no
Does he have a group of guy friends that he regularly socializes with? yes
Is alcohol involved with all of you socializing with friends?
Same question for him: yes

Answer me as honestly as possible and I will do my best for you.

xo
LL

Hello again Emily,
Thanks for answering that battery of questions. It told me that you have issues with trust. I’ve also learned, my dear, that you need to get yourself a group of girlfriends. Women need other women in their lives. In fact, you need to get a life outside of your relationship with this guy.

Neither of us knows if anything was going on with that other woman at 3:30 in the morning. A man who is 49 and drinks all the time may have trouble getting an erection that late after a long night of drinking. So, maybe there was nothing going on… sexually, that is.

You put him out because you found him alone with a woman at 3:30 in the morning. That I understand. He is attached and lives with you, so he really has no business out at that hour with or without another person. Someone who is out that late drinking REALLY has a drinking problem.

Do you want to deal with a drunk? It seems like you have for a long time. What if he went to a program like AA? Would you take him back if he stopped drinking? I think that the drunkenness is a half of the problem.

Who needs a guy who is a drunk and is untrustworthy? Granted, you really need to get a life. Maybe if you had one you wouldn’t accept his behavior. He might not act that way if he knew you had a life outside of work and him. I tell people all the time that we show our mates how we want to be treated by showing them what we will and will not stand for.

It is clear that you have him out; now the question is do you allow him back in your life or tell him to come and get his stuff? That is up to you.

Don’t you deserve to have a sober person in your life? One who will not cheat or give you reason to believe he is cheating. A man who is with you should know that you have trust issues and that it is a very sensitive subject. And if he still crosses that line or makes it seem as though he does, he really is not attentive to what your needs are.

We just met and I know that you have issue with trust. This guy has had 8 years to figure it out. If he hasn’t, that may be a clue that he just doesn’t care enough.

Your mother was cheated on. She stayed with your father. You’ve chosen men who will cheat on you. The likelihood that this guy is a cheater is very good since you have a propensity to choose men who will cheat on you.

Now that you are aware of this, you have the power to change it. Here it is, the moment to choose. Going about this solely with my help is not necessary. Finding a licensed therapist or a counselor is as simple as a click of a mouse. You can look online in your area for a counselor or you can go to a site that I am affiliated with. I work with many relationship counselors at www.FixMyLove.com. Join up, it is free. And then enter your zip code and look for an expert who you can talk to. It’ll help.

©2009Letty Livingston, Letty Livingston’s suggestions are intended as inspiring and engaging advice and not an alternative for therapeutic intervention, should it be needed.

All my best!
LL